Listicles: Oh, no, you didn't!

Kosher salt, straight out of the jar.

This week's Listicles was actually pretty easy to write. The topic? 10 "Oh, no you didn't!" moments. Why so easy? I have a three-year-old. Though we've so far escaped any incidents truly worthy of Sh*tMyKidsRuined.com--hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that--there have been some good ones. Here's the list, in rough chronological order:

1. I'll start with an oldie. Maybe a year & a half ago, Sprout got a cute little board book--one of those ones where you lift flaps on each page to see something underneath. He'd always been quite good with his books, not chewing on them or bending them, but this one was different. While he was 'reading' it & I wasn't watching him, he decided to remove every flap in the book. I think I caught him before he got the last two off...
2. When Sprout was around two, he started demanding to have beer when we were drinking it at dinner. I'm pretty liberal about alcohol consumption, but I think two is a little young to start, so we said no. He got more & more demanding, so I thought maybe we could try reverse psychology, sort of. We decided to give him a sip of a really bitter, hoppy beer, thinking it would make him stop asking. Fail. He loved it & a year later still asks regularly for beer.
3. I scored a great deal on a Stokke Tripp Trapp chair for Sprout a few months ago at a local consignment store. First time he sat in it he decided it didn't quite have the patina he was looking for so hit it about fifteen times in rapid succession with a fork, leaving a patch of little pits in the wood of the seat. Sigh.
4. After asking for 'pwivacy' in the bathroom & closing the door, I go back to check on him in a few minutes & he's unrolled an entire toilet paper roll & shredded it. Half is on the floor & half in the toilet. He hasn't managed to get as much toilet paper shredded in the dozen or so times he's done this since.
5. While riding the bus home from somewhere or other a few weeks ago, Sprout was in one of those repeating-the-same-word-over-&-over moods. He started saying, "Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye..." ad nauseum. Kind of cute--we were sitting near the back doors of the bus. Then after he got tired of that, he switched it up to, "Die, die, die, die, die, die!" all the while staring at this young guy that was standing behind our seat. The guy got off the bus not long after--who knows if that was actually his stop? Heh.
6. One of the things I did in the preparation for Sprout's birthday party a few weeks ago was to clean the fingerprints off the living room window. I actually cleaned it inside & out. Took the screens off, wiped it with glass cleaner a couple of times & it was pretty good. Before anyone arrived, I caught him smearing the face equivalent of snow angels on it, on top of a row of fingerprints. Sigh.
7. My cousin-in-law (do you call your spouse's cousins that?) dropped off three bags of lovely hand-me-downs for the baby recently. I'd just sorted them out by size & put them back in a corner of Sprout's room. While I was making lunch, he took every single item out of the three bags & distributed them around his bedroom.
8. One of Sprout's chores is to refill the bird feeder. This usually involves about five minutes of him carefully scooping mixed bird seed & pouring it through a funnel in the top of the feeder. He's been doing it for months & doesn't usually need much help any more, so the other day I set him up on the porch with all the tools needed, then came back in a couple minutes. There was birdseed all over the porch, with about one scoop worth actually in the feeder. 
9. For the past couple of months, Sprout has been using the toilet on his own pretty reliably at home. I'd stopped worrying about 'accidents' since he's gotten to the point where he tells me he needs to go in time to make it to even public washrooms consistently. Then the other day he was in his bedroom 'reading', when he came out into the living room & said, "I need to pee." I said, "Okay, let's go." Then I noticed that his pants were completely soaked. Groan. He still peed some more in the toilet, amazingly. Then I checked his room. Reading chair cushion: drenched in pee.
10. Sprout got his first nosebleed yesterday, likely because he's lately adopted a serious nose picking habit. (we're working on it--ugh) When I tried to get him to sit still so I could wipe his face & hands, he started exhaling forcefully, splattering both of us with blood drops. This was the (very rare) day that we both happened to be wearing white shirts.

All right: parents, pet owners, anyone: got any 'Oh no, you didn't!" moments to share with us? Leave them in the comments below!

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