What NOT to Get Me for Valentine's Day

Just $45+shipping for this 26" pink monstrosity.

It's that time again... Listicles! This week, in honour of the crassly commercialized Hallmark holiday Valentine's Day, the topic is 10 gifts NOT to get me for V-Day. I have to admit, I'm not a huge fan of this holiday & we don't really make a big deal out of it in our household. I prefer Christmas & Halloween, even Easter & Thanksgiving because of the family dinners that go with them. But I'll play along. I've come up with a list of gifts that just ain't gonna do it for me. Some will be universally hated, some you'll probably scratch your head at because they're just my idiosyncrasies, hopefully the rest will at least make you laugh, if nothing else.

1. A bouquet of tulips. Yes, they're colourful & they're flowers, but they're also usually THE cheapest ones you can get, available at any grocery store & they wilt in seconds flat. If you're going to go the traditional route with flowers, get something that doesn't say, "I'm a skinflint & I snagged these at the Safeway on my way home from work."
2. A heart-shaped box of chocolates from the drug store. Yes, they are called chocolates, but seriously? They're usually just a whole lotta sugar & wax with a bit of chocolate flavouring in there somewhere. Get a smaller quantity of quality chocolates, perhaps even fair trade. Bonus points if it comes in a package that's actually recyclable!
3. Lingerie that you think is sexy. It'll quite likely be too small & if it's too big, you're in serious trouble. Even if it does fit, I'll probably never wear it again because it's itchy or bunches or something.
4. Floral perfume. Hate the stuff. Every time I smell it on someone, I get a sneezing fit. I've always liked scents that are really simple & generally smell edible, like vanilla, spices, fruit. But it's been years since I actually used perfume, so don't bother anyway.
5. A stuffed animal. Particularly one with "Happy Valentine's Day" embroidered onto it, or a heart sewn to its paws. I'm a grown woman. Why in the world would I want a dust collector plush toy as a gift?
6. Diamond jewellery. Not that I think I am in danger of receiving this, but I wouldn't want it. I'm not into dropping a whole bunch of cash on this particular holiday. I'd rather the money went toward something more useful, like a dishwasher. Plus, if you want to get a conflict-free diamond, you have to spend a LOT of money. 
7. Heart-shaped stuff in general. Not sure why, but hearts just ain't my thing. Too girly or something. It's not that I hate them, but they just seem too overdone, especially at this time of year. If you got me something that was the shape of an actual human heart, that would be cool though.
8. Those pastel candy hearts with the sayings on them. "You're cute", "Kiss me". You know the ones. I'm not sure what they're made of, but is it really intended for human consumption? Blegh.
9. A gift card. Do I need to explain this one? No better way to say, "I felt obligated to spend money but didn't really put enough effort into thinking about what you might like".
10. Dinner at a chain or family restaurant. Um... FAIL. I don't think you need to spend a ton on V-Day, but if you're going to do dinner, do it right. For a romantic alternative that won't break the bank, how about cooking something interesting yourself, or packing a picnic--you know, fancy bread, wine, fine cheese, maybe some sausage, olives. If there's a metre of snow or pouring rain, you could spread the picnic blanket in your living room & it could still be awesome.

What gifts would you NOT want to get for Valentine's Day? Have you got any juicy stories of terribly unromantic gestures on V-Days past?

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