I'm starting to wonder if this is one of those decisions that I'll never be 100% sure about even after I've made it... Here are some of my thoughts about having another child:
PROS
- I'd like Linnaeus to grow up with a sister or a brother. I really appreciate the relationship I have with my sisters. You just don't get this kind of history & sheer amount of shared experience with cousins or friends, no matter how close they are.
- Theoretically, the kids can play together & entertain each other, once the youngest is up to the age where that's actually plausible. My sister W & I spent hours playing together as children.
- The second child is cheaper than the first one. The price of family admission, the hand-me-downs, knowing where to get better deals & what not to buy the second time around would mean another baby wouldn't have such a steep 'start-up cost'.
CONS
- While the next kid may not cost as much as Linnaeus, s/he will cost more money, which we don't have a lot of at the moment.
- Oliver grew up without siblings & he turned out just fine. He's not at all the egotistical, spotlight-hogging, selfish stereotypical only child.
- The subsequent children never get their parents undivided attention, as there's another kid around. Part of me would always feel a bit guilty for the benign neglect that happens to a lot of second & third kids.
- Having another kid in the next three years (so that they can have a hope of being close earlier on) is not very compatible with doing a full-time two-year Speech Language Pathology M.Sc program.
- I assume I'll have milk supply issues with my next baby & will have to go through this breastfeeding + supplementing then constantly worrying about weight gain routine again.
- The insane sleep deprivation that might result from having a newborn AND a toddler waking me up a various times during the night coupled with the work involved in parenting them during the days too might well drive me crazy.
- Childcare costs for one are insane, but for two... ?@#*&! As a full-time ESL teacher, there'd be no point in working:100% of my take-home pay would go to daycare. Once I'm an SLP, we might be able to afford it, but that's at least five years down the road. This country REALLY needs a quality national subsidized childcare system.
My two cents (coming from someone who doesn't want children, isn't thrilled about the planetary impact of them, but is raising part-time an only step-child):
ReplyDelete* I highly support having two children if you are going to have one. Really, I think the kids have an easier time of it and they are less likely to orient completely to the parent because they have a peer close by.
* If you're going to have another do it soon. Really, the benefits of having siblings come when they are close in age. Even if they don't get along, there are benefits in the socialization aspect.
* Having two kids makes it easier on you, the parent because they entertain each other and look out for one another.
* I don't agree that having two young kids isn't conducive to doing a masters degree. Darcie did her masters with two young children and her phd with a newborn. There are ways of doing it, and you can look into part-time options or taking breaks as necessary.
* Money should not be a deciding factor here. Really. You will always find ways to make it work when you have to - and there is no such thing as enough money anyway.
* So you don't go back to work until the kids are in school. As long as you two can financially swing that, it makes sense to be at home while you can - particularly if you decide to work on some education while you're parenting.
I don't necessarily see that my step-daughter is fraught with problems from being an only child or anything (she is not selfish or overlly self-absorbed anymore than any 13 year old), but at the same time I notice that she looks to her parents all the time for things to do in a way that kids with siblings simply don't. I also think that kids with siblings tend to be more socially confident because they have more practice. Who knows how true these observations are, but they appear so to us.
Just the quick and dirty thoughts on your very personal decisions :)
xo
When did we know we wanted more?
ReplyDeleteWell...we always intended to have 2, as both of us have siblings, and can't imagine life without grown up siblings! But we waited until we(me more realistically, since I do the majority of all childcare in this house) felt I could handle a new baby along with the older one. For us, that was when J was about 2.5, he got a lot easier. And also, we had budgeted enough to afford 2 in daycare for just a year before J would start full-time school. Of course..you know what happened after that! Twins came along, and screwed up our financial plans. There's no way I could work and pay for daycare. A live-in Nanny would be barely affordable, but I'd only make a few hundred a month, and rarely see my children.
Unfortunately, living in this city, money comes into play a lot I think, regarding decisions on multiple children. We often think..what if we had stopped at one...we'd have a lot more money and time, and flexibility. But J would not get that chance to learn to share and grow up with sisters. And selfishly, I love having daughters too. As much as I am interested in excavators and graders, backhoes...I'm looking forward to playing with girl toys too.
Another thing - I find I am a different parent, this time around. I am enjoying it a lot more, as the learning curve is so very shallow. I stress less, enjoy it more, and am doing it better (at least *I* think so!).
But...I have to say..going from 1 child to 3 (or perhaps 2), is insanely more work than you'd expect. Especially at night time. They all wake up, at different times, at the same time...it gets easier as they get older, I hope!
:)
Good luck with your decision..only you can make it!
I think if you want 2 you should have 2. While financial reasons are a consideration it should not be the determining factor. Memories are made by interacting as a family. Rarely does money form a memory. Money may facilitate more lavish memories but I doubt you will all starve. It is a crazy time right now but things will get better. Wait until you are ready and keeop in mind it could never be as bad as some friends of mind who had a baby, then a second one quickly after, then she got pregnant again quickly with twins and ended up with 4 kids under the age of 4 and dealing with all those diapers. The good part? The youngest girl would report when her brothers had poopy pants.
ReplyDeleteI think if you want 2 you should have 2. While financial reasons are a consideration it should not be the determining factor. Memories are made by interacting as a family. Rarely does money form a memory. Money may facilitate more lavish memories but I doubt you will all starve. It is a crazy time right now but things will get better. Wait until you are ready and keeop in mind it could never be as bad as some friends of mind who had a baby, then a second one quickly after, then she got pregnant again quickly with twins and ended up with 4 kids under the age of 4 and dealing with all those diapers. The good part? The youngest girl would report when her brothers had poopy pants.
ReplyDelete